Feeling a bit under the weather today – all I could do was to go for simplicity.
The past few days I’ve been thinking about identity – both in terms of content (of who I want to be and what I creatively want to make, ie: music) and appearance. I happen to be one of those who can easily be distracted by input from others, their agenda, objectives and opinions. I easily steer off course. I get a vision and idea and then I feel swept away by circumstances around me and suddenly I wake up – only to not remember what was it that I was after at first?
In her book, ”Piece by piece” Tori Amos writes this: ”I think when you chase somebody else’s notion of success, you’re bound to fail”. I’ve read this book too many times to count but this was the first time that passage just leaped out of the page and grabbed hold of me.
I think a lot in my life have been pushing me to decide what I want, not what I should want. Like life have been dropping little hints, but I haven’t quite gotten them yet. For instance, I had a meeting with a guy from a small local music organization and while we were talking he asked me this: ”where do you want to play? Don’t look at it as where can you play, but where do you want to play”. I was just silenced by that. Because up to that point I had been thinking a lot in the terms of where can I fit in, where would I be accepted – instead of deciding that for myself.
Partly, you could blame this on my two years of marketing studies, because hey it all comes down to marketing at some point, but first I have to think about ME and my Content. Not my appeal, that should be molded after the content (ie: the music) is in place – right?
These thoughts about content and who I want to be sort of culminated this weekend, because on sunday I went to that audition. I ended up waiting for six hours in a cold, dry room among 20 other boys and girls with musical ambitions. Oh well, the important part is what I overheard during those six hours… Girls that have gone to musical school, that have studied musical theater and that (according to them) are professionals since they ”do this for a living.”
These girls… there was something so scary about them. They talked to each other like friends but the longer you listened to them the more it sounded like they were competing – who’s done this and that job, who’s gone to so and so many audition, what school they went to etc.. Trust me, they didn’t sound like true friends. And oh, don’t get me starting on when they started talking about ”amateurs” (them of course being far from that…).
But the scary part was how fake this world seemed to me. I longed for my true friends (and thought to myself that I hope these girls has some true friends too, because this just felt sad). I hate that kind of catty attitude among girls – a form of competition, if it’s for a job, a man, a look, followers on our blogs, whatever. What happened to compassion and sisterhood?
So I realized why I blog. I want to be a part of a supporting community, where people are real, true to themselves and compassionate. And I think this blogging world has those qualities. And I think I truly started to understand who I want to be as a singer – I don’t want part in that world, waiting for some producer in power to tell me that I’m good enough or not. I want to be a part of a scene where everybody’s welcome. And if I can’t find that world, I guess I have to create it.
This became a very rambling post, but these are the thoughts that have been circulating within me the past few days. I will leave you with something pretty – my lovely new bracelet from India (a gift from a friend).